I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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