If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
