wrigley field is MILF paradise
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
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