Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
The uberlube is also flammable
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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