Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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