you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
