It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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