Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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