I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
