Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
