i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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