her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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