I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
