and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
