If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
