New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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