So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
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woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
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The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I want a musical about memes.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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