I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Who died my cat blue again?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
