birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
i think i just lost a toe
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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