I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
