sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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