It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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