I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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