That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
