I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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