Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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