I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
