I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
