I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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