I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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