woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
