so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
