That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
