I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
