Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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