I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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