I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Randomize
