"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize