i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
