Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
