i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
