WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
