saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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