i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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