Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
