Got a toothbrush?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
