Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
