Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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