I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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