my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
