remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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