I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
i think i just lost a toe
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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