A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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