I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
