i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
