i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
