She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
