i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
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