Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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