Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Let's paint friendship bongs
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize