I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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