If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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