good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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