I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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