Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
